A Song of Trolls and Humans
by globox85
Summary: An AU fic in which Homestuck meets A Song of Ice and Fire, featuring John as a prince, Dad as king, Mom as queen and a whole lot of other crazy stuff paired with some crazy plots.


**Author's note: Since this is set in an alternate universe, a lot has been changed. For example, Jade and Jake are (possibly) siblings instead of ectobiological grandmother and grandson and Meenah is Feferi's mother instead of just her ancestor. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned the strip poker story, but I'm working on it alongside this one!**

Once upon a time, there were two magical kingdoms. These were known as the Kingdom of Humans and the Kingdom of Trolls. There were also the kingdoms of Zillyhoo, Zillywut, Zillyhau, Zillywair, Zillywigh, Zillywich and Zillywen, but nobody really cared about those and nothing even remotely interesting ever happened there.

The Kingdom of Humans was a relatively small kingdom. It was ruled by the four houses Egbert, Lalonde, Strider and English. The supreme ruler of this kingdom was Father Egbert. His name was such because he never told anybody what it really was and he was also considered to be a father to the people. He was married to the beautiful queen Roxy of the Lalonde house. Together, they had three children. The first one was Prince John. Prince John was a very special boy. He never showed any interest in becoming a knight or wizard. He just liked to wander around the castle and read books. John had small magic talent as well, and Jade, who we will get back to later, tried to get him to better it, but only with moderate success.

The other two children were the princesses Jane and Rose. Many people would confuse Jane with Jade, which was an easy thing to do, but it is important to this story that such confusion does not happen all too much. Father Egbert thought that Jane was the daughter that he always wanted. She was well-behaving, clever and on top of that a really great cook.

Rose was a special case. Unlike John and Jane who had their father's black hair, Rose's was as light as her mother's. She considered herself more of a Lalonde than an Egbert. On top of this, she showed an impressive magical ability and could sometimes predict the future. Her father both admired and feared this power and tried to have it held under control to avoid something bad happening.

The Strider house were the protectors of the kingdom. The oldest son Dirk was the captain of the king's military. He had always come to see the king and queen as his parents since his had died under mysterious circumstances. In honor of this, the king made him an honorary prince. Dirk had a younger brother, Dave, who was a knight in the military. Dave admired his brother deeply and almost saw him as a father. Dave was an excellent knight who always did his duty for the kingdom he loved.

The English house was next. It consisted of Jade and Jake. Jade was a witch. Not the evil witch you read about in fairy tales, but rather a good one who could always help out whoever asked for it. Her brother Jake was training to be a knight. It was unknown if Jake really was her brother. Some thought that Jade used her powers to stay young and had then given birth to him as a son but pretended to be his sister. Whatever the case was, they still loved each other.

The Kingdom of Trolls was much bigger and consisted of two large islands, Beforus and Alternia. The kingdom was ruled by Queen Meenah Peixes. The king had died years ago and so the queen had to take over since no suitable heir had been found. Their daughter, Princess Feferi would not do. She had to find someone to marry so that the Peixes dynasty could continue and so that the insane Kurloz Makara would not get the country in accordance with troll law. The Kingdom of Trolls consisted of twelve houses and it'd take too much time and space to go over them all, so they will be covered when they appear.

This story begins one morning in the Kingdom of Humans. Dirk's knights were out patrolling the forest. Usually nothing would happen there, but today was an exception. Dirk heard movement in the trees. What could it possibly be? He signaled his men to get of their horses, or hoofbeasts as the trolls called them. They spread out, searching through the forest. Not much happened.

"I saw something!" Jake English shouted after a few minutes. The other knights scrambled to get to his position. They could also see that there was something moving in the trees. Something quick and agile.

"I order you to leave the trees and get down on the ground!" Dirk shouted. No reply.

"Really?" Dave asked sarcastically.

"Shut up, I'm the captain of the military and therefore I am smarter and better than you, you have no input on this matter, thank you and good day, sir Dave", Dirk said as fast as he could.

It sounded hilarious. Something else sounded. It sounded like branches breaking and something heavy falling to the ground. The knights rushed over to find a person lying face down on the ground. The person in this case was wearing a blue hat with cat ears, a green coat and had a cat tail attached to it as well.

"Are you alright?" Dirk asked.

The person on the ground turned over. It turned out it was a troll. Her face had a very cat-like appearance as well. She had a pair of large blue claws on her hands. She clawed at Dirk, but he managed to dodge. As he pulled out his sword, she ran away.

"After her!" he shouted. The knights gave chase. Finally, Dave managed to tackle her to the ground and hold her down while Dirk went looking for some rope to tie her up with.

"English!" Dirk shouted.

"Yes?" Jake replied.

"Ride back and tell the king we caught a spy!"

"Yes, sir Dirk!"

And so Jake English made the fastest ride of his life through the forest until he saw the castle's walls in front of him. He rushed his horse into the stables and then ran into the castle where Prince John stopped him.

"Jake! Why are you running so fast?" John asked.

"Ol.. py… aug… in …orest" Jake said, breathing heavily.

"What?"

"Troll spy caught in forest! Where's your father?"

"Father's in the throne room"

While Jake rushed off to the throne room, John went on to see if he could find his siblings. It didn't take long to find Jane. She was in the kitchen, baking as usual.

"Jake English told me that the knights caught a troll spy in the forest", John stated while trying to take a piece of bread. Jane hit him on the head with a wooden spoon.

"No bread until I say so!" she replied.

"I'm the first born son of the king and heir to the kingdom! That means that I have the right to do as I want!" John said, rubbing his head.

"And I have a very large spoon. Troll spy, huh…" she said, going back to baking.

John wandered the castle until he found Rose sitting in the library. It was usually her favorite place to sit and think, read or brush up on her magic. She was sitting deep in the corner of the room reading a large book.

"They caught a troll spy in the forest", John said.

"That can't end well", Rose said in a worried tone.

"What?"

Rose looked incredibly worried.

"I saw in my dreams that a troll would appear at this castle. Then I saw a wedding between two trolls. There was fire and blood and trolls would be turned against each other. There'd be death, and one of us would journey across there and disappear. The village here was burning down, and in the middle of everything, you stood, holding the Warhammer of Zillyhoo". She whispered.

"I would never have the Warhammer of Zillyhoo unless… father died. We should not tell him", John said.

"I agree. He has enough to worry about already. And John?"

"Yes?"

"You're going to be a great king one day"

"Thanks."

Before we go over what happened next, it might be best to go over what the Warhammer of Zillyhoo was. The Warhammer of Zillyhoo was a gift given to the king of humans from the people of Zillyhoo who had forged the strongest, most powerful weapon they could think of. Only the king should wield it, and that's why John was so worried about Rose's vision.

Right then the king was about to open his court. When he sat down on the throne, Jake English rushed in.

"Troll spy caught in forest! TROLL SPY CAUGHT IN FOREST!"

"Calm down, page English, and please tell me everything from the beginning", the king said.

"Right, your Majesty. We were out patrolling the forest when we heard something in the trees. Suddenly, the troll spy fell down, aggressed Dirk and then absconded as he retrieved his weapon from his sylladex. We gave chase and Dave tackled her to the ground. I was told to ride here and inform you"

"Excellent work, English!"

"Thank you, your Majesty"

"Do you happen to know where they have the troll spy now?"

"No, sir, unfortunately I don't. Most likely the castle dungeons"

"That's excellent. Keep her there until I decide what to do"

Meanwhile the knights had locked the troll spy up in the dungeons. Dirk remained to ask her a few questions.

"Right, first of all, what's your name?", he asked.

"I don't want to talk…", she replied.

"Nobody wants to harm you. We just want to ask you a few questions, and then you'll get food and drink"

"Nepeta"

"That's your name?"

"Yes, Nepeta of the house Leijon"

"I'm Dirk. Dirk of the house Strider. What were you doing in our forest?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Nepeta, we don't wish you any harm. Talk, and this will all be over soon and you can be back with your family"

"I was doing my assignment. I was told to come here and watch the area, and when you began yelling and so I got scared"

"Who told you to come here?"

"Vriska Serket on the orders of Queen Meenah Peixes I, the first of her name, and the current ruler of our realm"

"Why?"

"I don't know"

"Thanks, you've told me enough now. I will be back later, and I'll get them to bring you food"

"Thank you, Dirk. You're a good knight"

The word of the new prisoner quickly spread around the castle, finally reaching Jane in the kitchen where she prepared a bowl of soup along with a piece of bread. Right as she was about to hand it over to a servant, Rose appeared.

"I will take that if you don't mind", she said.

"Go ahead", Jane said.

Rose quickly walked down the stairs to the castle dungeon. She opened the door slowly, finding Nepeta lying down on the bed.

"I have some food for you"

"Thanks…"

"What's your name?"

"Nepeta"

"Nepeta… That's a nice name"

"Thank you"

"I hope the knights haven't been too rough on you"

"Oh no, they have been very nice. Especially the tall one. Dirk, was it?"

"Yes, he's like _sooo_ handsome!"

"I agree!"

Nepeta was a lot happier now, and Rose felt happy as well.

"What's your name then?" Nepeta asked.

"Rose. Rose Lalonde"

"Not _THE _ Rose Lalonde?"

"What do you mean with _the_ Rose Lalonde? The seer and princess, daughter of Roxy Lalonde? That's me!"

"Why are you here then, serving food to a lowly prisoner?"

"Well, first of all, Nepeta… You're not just any lowly prisoner. You're much better than the bandits in the forests or the murderers. And second, you're important to me"

"We've just met!"

"Nepeta. I'm a seer. I've seen the future, and you are a big part of it", Rose said.

"Tell me!"

"Alright, but don't tell _anyone!_Neither troll or human, alive or dead!"

"I promise"

"I dreamt that a troll appeared at our castle, and that has to be you. Two trolls would get married and then there was fire and blood and trolls fighting each other. The village by our castle was burning and in the middle of it all, Prince John stood, holding the Warhammer of Zillyhoo"

"It didn't sound like such a big part, mine that is"

"Well, it was what kicked it off. Have you seen Prince John?"

Rose and Nepeta spent a long time talking with each other and making friends. Meanwhile, the king was talking with Dirk about the situation. Prince John was there as well as the queen.

"I suggest we kill her. She's a spy and that poses a threat to this kingdom", Dirk said.

"That is a valid concern, sir Dirk, but think of the implications. That'd be enough reason for them to start a war against us", the king said.

"Killing someone is barbaric and uncivilized, even though it is a spy. I suggest we keep her locked up", the queen said.

"Can't we let her back to the troll kingdom if she promises not to say anything?", John asked.

"John, it's a lovely idea, but the job of spies is to lie", the king said.

"I don't want her to die! Father, please let her live!" John shouted.

"I've made a decision. Sir Dirk, you must send a messenger to Queen Meenah and tell her about the situation and see what they respond", the king said.

"Thank you for letting her live, father", John said.

"John, go to the dungeon and inform the prisoner about my decision", the king said, nodding at him.

John dashed off into the dungeon where Nepeta and Rose were sitting. He opened the door.

"Oh my grub! He _said _that?" Nepeta said.

"Yeah, it was _so awkward_!" Rose said.

"I am Prince John Egbert", John said when entering the room.

"Nepeta Leijon", Nepeta said.

"I have good news. Nepeta, we're sending a messenger to your queen and informing her on what happened"

"That's great!" Nepeta shouted happily.

John sat down on the floor, thinking he could stay a while. Meanwhile, Dirk was running to the knights' barracks. In there, he found Jake English.

"English! Just the person I was looking for!" Dirk shouted with energy in his voice.

"What is it, sir?"

"You've always wanted to be a knight! Travel to the Kingdom of Trolls and give the Queen this message, and I'll get the king to make you a knight when you come back!"

"You're kidding me!"

"No, English. I'm serious. You're going to be a knight! Now, get going! There's a ship waiting for you!"

"Thank you, sir! THANK YOU!" Jake squealed, dashing off to his and Jade's house. He rushed in through the door.

"I'M GOING TO BE A KNIGHT!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"That's great!" Jade shouted while hugging her brother as hard as he could.

"But first, I have to journey to the Kingdom of Trolls and deliver a message to the queen"

Jade stopped hugging her brother and looked at him in worry.

"What?" she said.

"Something has happened and I need to act as a diplomat for our kingdom. But do not worry, I will be fine and when I get back, I will be a knight!"

Jade went away for a few minutes and returned with a small object in her hand. It was an amulet attached to a small chain. She hung it around his neck.

"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this", she said.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's a magical amulet which will protect you. Carry it with you for good luck"

"Don't worry, sister. I will be back here as Sir Jake of the House English before you know it!"

As Jake said that, he gave Jade another hug. She leaned over and whispered "Be careful out there… You know I love you, and you're my only brother…"

"I love you too. Now, I have to abscond and do my duty!" Jake said, trying to get away as fast as possible, finally dashing off to the docks.

And so Jake English's quest across the sea to do diplomacy in the name of Father Egbert had begun. But what happened there in the mean time? Queen Meenah didn't know that one of her spies was held prisoner among the humans. She didn't know about the evil plans brewing in her own kingdom. What she did however know was that it was time for Princess Feferi to find a husband. She found her watching the kingdom from her balcony.

"Feferi?" Meenah asked carefully.

"Yes, mother?" Feferi replied.

"You must find yourself a husband. We need a king after me. That's how it always has been, and how it must be in the future. All the noblemen in the kingdom will be willing to marry you. There's only one rule. You cannot trust the Makaras. Neither Gamzee nor his father. They are both insane and I do not want my dynasty to continue with them"

"I understand, mother"

"Feferi. You have to make this decision now. Your future husband waits in this castle"

"WHAT?"

"I brought them here, but you know them already"

"I will make my choice now then. There is one who stands out above the rest"

"And who would this be?"

"Eridan Ampora"

"Very well. I will announce your marriage as soon as possible, and it is going to be glorious!"

"Glorious!" Feferi's voice told anybody nearby that she was making fun of her mother, but the whole "Glorious!" thing sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Meenah and Feferi stepped into the chamber where the potential husbands were waiting.

"The decision has been made. The one who will marry my Feferi and become the next king is… You say it, Feferi", Meenah said.

"Eridan Ampora", Feferi said. It was a bit awkward, but it worked better than she had thought.

"Thank you. I swear you will not regret making this choice", Eridan said.

The rest of the now not-so-potential husbands left the room in disappointment. However, two of them were extra disappointed. The first one was Mituna Captor, head of the Captor house. In his mind, a plan to ruin the marriage and then marry Feferi and become king started to grow.

The second one was Equius Zahhak, son of Horuss Zahhak. He was the biggest, strongest and in his opinion the trolliest (Trolls don't say manliest since they're not men) troll around. As such, he was very offended not being picked to marry the beautiful princess. He went outside where nobody could hear him and swore an oath which he finished by taking some of his blue blood and drawing a circle around himself on the ground with it. The oath went as follows:

"I, Equius Zahhak, oldest son of the Zahhak house, swear on the honor of my family, myself, and my father, Horuss Zahhak, that I will become the next King of Trolls. Princess Feferi Peixes shall marry me, all others will swear allegiance to me and Eridan Ampora will die. This I swear, with my ancestors as witnesses"


End file.
